A Sorceress-Come-Lately’s Arsenal of Spells and Charms To Ward Against False Preventions, Cures, Misinformation, and Hoaxes in the Age of the Pandemic

By C. S. E. Cooney

FALSE CLAIM: holding your breath for ten seconds successfully means you do not have the virus.

TRUE FACT: holding your breath successfully while dancing beneath Idol to Invoke Riot at the Rite of Spring (deer-headed girl, Lutetian limestone) while wearing Charm to Ward the Evil Eye (three sparrow skulls) means you can continue to do so for another ten seconds. (Eventually, this stops being true.) Also, wash your hands.

FALSE CLAIM: gargling with salt and/or vinegar and/or hydrogen peroxide and/or bleach will cure the virus.

TRUE FACT: burying Fetish for Calming a Fractious Child (amethyst, cockroach) beneath a tree, hanging Bead for Remembrance of Beloved Pet (dog or perhaps buffalo figure, could be horse) (clay, lapis glazing) above threshold, and gargling with Vodka (Fleischmann’s) will make homeschooling while working from home harder to remember the next day. Also, avoid touching your face.

FALSE CLAIM: drinking water (cold) or tea (hot) every fifteen minutes will cure the virus.

TRUE FACT:  setting Figure of God or alternately Frog (clay, blue glazing) on windowsill, driving Iron Nail (to ward off invasion) into garden and/or potted plant, and hanging up on/not answering emails from hackers and/or televangelists may prevent hackers/televangelists from hacking/televangelizing you. Also, drink water and/or tea. Keeping hydrated is generally a good idea.

FALSE CLAIM: colloidal silver, “immunity boosting” gummy and/or Flintstone vitamins, and oil of oregano or other essential oils may ward off the virus.

TRUE FACT: an Amulet of Fortune (brass, verdigris), an Amulet of Fertility (bone, phallus), and a Charm to Effect a Transformation (glass, amber) may result in appearance of homegrown homunculus to run all your outdoor errands while you remain safely at home, social-distancing. If spell fails, order prepackaged homunculus online along with the rest of your household needs, available for Prime Shipping sometime next month.